I can’t believe it’s been a year. What grief and trauma do— it’s almost like an alien abduction, a trip to a different dimension. We have lived a lifetime, yet it feels sometimes like we are right back in that room, hearing the words we prayed we wouldn’t hear.

I wish I was exaggerating.

I have thought many times about what I want to say to all of you, the people who hoped and prayed and donated, sent gifts and texts and letters. Some of you we know and some of you we don’t, but we are thankful for all of you. Every single soul.

I wish, wish, wish that today I was thanking you and talking about miracles, showing you pictures of our one-year-old daughter. Instead, I am thanking you and saying YOU were and are the miracle. You showed up as an army of supporters holding us during those dark hours and throughout this past year.

You loved us. You showed incredible love to our baby girl. I believe she knows this. I believe she felt your love.

I want to share a few things with you.

When someone grieves, they really do want the world to stop.
 Somehow, strangely, Covid stopped the world, and for us, it was ok. Sure, it made some things difficult, and I’m by no means downplaying the hurt and fear that came with it, but the unexpected gift was a slower pace, zero expectations. That is what grieving people need from you: zero expectations.

Laughter and silliness and hope don’t have to die too. Our kids make us laugh every day, and sometimes we do that for each other. We have hope for this place to get better and hope for heaven, the place where we’ll all be together again someday.

Hurting people are everywhere. I can never know what the person next to me has gone through and they don’t know what I’ve been through. Our everyday words matter. Our everyday actions matter. Kindness goes a long way.

Loss of a child is not something you get over. It stays with you because love for your children is both powerful and eternal. We’re not climbing some grief mountain to get to the other side. We’re carrying her life and death with us daily; some days the burden is light, some days heavy. Everyday we appreciate those who carry it with us.

Finally, to my sweet baby girl, Happy Birthday.
I wanted you. I prayed for you. I hoped against hope you’d stay with us.
We miss you always, but especially today.

Sending oceans of love to you from all of us.
We love you; we love you; we love you.

Save a spot next to Jesus for me.
xoxo, Mama